Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

Charlie: Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.

Charlie: Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?
Alan: Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."
Charlie: Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"
Alan: Nice, but I can top it.
Charlie: Go.
Alan: It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."
Charlie: We gotta go get Jake.

Charlie: OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

Charlie: OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
Alan: You knew your shirt was open?
Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Charlie: OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?
Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?
Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
Charlie: That's no help.
Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Charlie: OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.

Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You actually stopped at 6.
Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?

Charlie: Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.

Charlie: So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

Charlie: So, how you getting to the restaurant?
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

Charlie: Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

Charlie: Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.
Alan: I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.
Charlie: Have you even tried?