Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".

Alan: OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.
Charlie: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.

Alan: OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Alan: Take out the garbage.
Charlie: Today wasn't garbage day.
Alan: No, not here, at Judith's.
Charlie: At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.
Charlie: It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?
Alan: ...The-they're on wheels.

Alan: OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

Alan: OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.

Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.

Alan: Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.

Alan: See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Kandi: Wow. Can I share something with you?
Alan: Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
Kandi: You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
Alan: No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
Kandi: [makes the "loser" hand gesture]

Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?
Alan: Actually, no.
Sharon: You're a very nice guy...
Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.

Alan: She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan: So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.
Mandi: Andy?
Alan: I guess.
Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?
Mandi: What's your point?
Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.

Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: That's a cool car, too, Jake.

Alan: So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
Charlie: I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means "sexually transmitted disease".
Charlie: I know what STD's are!
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.
Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Jake: Okay. (walks to the utility room)
Charlie: (to Alan) You must be so proud.
Jake: (from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Alan: Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.