Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
Alan: So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
Charlie: No.
Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.
Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!
Alan: It started for me.
Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
Charlie: No.
Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.
Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!
Alan: It started for me.
Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
Alan: So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?
Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.
Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.
Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
Alan: So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
Alan: So, uh, how was school this week?
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
Alan: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.
Alan: Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?
Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?
Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
Alan: There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
Alan: They love him! How can they love him?
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
Alan: This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.
Melissa: I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Charlie: Surprise.
Melissa: I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Charlie: Surprise.
Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.
Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.
Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull.
Charlie: Pull.