Alan: Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore [Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan: Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
Charlie: You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
Alan: No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Charlie: Ch-- chill, chill.
Alan: Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!
Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie: You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
Alan: No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Alan: Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Alan: Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.
Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan.
Alan: OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Kandi: Story of my life!

Alan: Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".
Kandi: Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Alan: Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!
Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!
Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".
Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
Jake: Are we getting a cat?

Alan: Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!

Alan: Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
Charlie: Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution.
Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
Alan: I like it.

Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
Alan: But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Charlie: Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.

Alan: Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?
Charlie: No.
Alan: It's "Mandu".
Charlie: Mandu?
Alan: Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?
Charlie: Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?
Alan: Because that's what you're always thinking.

Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: "We"?
Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

Alan: We need to get rid of the staple gun.
Charlie: Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.

Alan: Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.

Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Masticating.
Alan: What?
Jake: Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
Alan: What do you think I think?
Jake [smiling]: You know...

Alan: What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.