Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan: What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.
Judith: Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.
Alan: Bed? Our old bed?
Judith: My new bed.
Alan: What was wrong with the old one?
Judith: Too many memories.
Alan: Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Alan: What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?
Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?
Berta: Wouldn't you?
Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
Alan: You're not helping.
Charlie: I rarely do.

Alan: What's taking you so long?
Jake: I can't find my other shoe!
Alan: So then put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already!

Alan: What's this?
Charlie: A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?
Alan: The woman who dumped you?
Charlie: She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!
Alan: All right, why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it!
Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.
Alan: So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?
Charlie: Every chance we got
Alan: Now mom is--?
Charlie: At this very moment.
Alan: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: OK, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
Alan: You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Charlie: Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
Charlie: How will that be any different than this?

Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Alan: Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?
Charlie: Certainly not Rose.

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Alan: Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?
[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]
Charlie: Attaboy!

Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there.
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
Alan: I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
Jake: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
Alan: You don't do what I tell you to do!
Jake: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Alan: Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!