[Fez tries out Twister on his own]
Fez: Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]
Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
Fez: That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]
Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Fez: Take a message.

[Hyde is trying to guess what Kitty has served for breakfast.]
Hyde: Oh, I know! It's tongue! [Kitty says nothing; to Eric] It's tongue.

[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Hyde: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Eric: Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
Kelso: [whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
Jackie: God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Eric: Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]

[Jackie introduces a leather-jacketed Kelso to Hyde and Fez]
Jackie: Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]
Kelso: Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I'm so Brando!
Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!
Kelso: What are you even saying?
Hyde: I think you know what I'm saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!
Kelso: Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?
Jackie: No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he's kinda...
Kelso: Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?
Fez: Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.
Kelso: Thank you Fez!
Fez: Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?
Kelso: Sure!
Fez: Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!
Kelso: I can't believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that! Well you can both just...
Hyde: Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]
Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]
Eric Forman: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.
Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.
Kelso: That's true.
Eric: Donna does not control me!
Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Kelso: I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"
Eric: Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]
Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

[Kelso is insisting on firing his hunting rifle while in Red's car on the way to a hunting lodge]
Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!
Fez: Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.
Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.
Red: [overhears remark] What did you say?
Fez: Nothing.
Red: [grumbles] Foreigners...

[Kelso leaves with Laurie]
Hyde: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]
Donna: Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.
Kelso: Yeah, right.
Eric: Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.
Kelso: Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!
Kitty: [enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]
Jackie: You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]
Kelso: Oh my God, are you serious?
Jackie: What?
Kelso: Nothing!

[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]
Hyde: I'll be in the basement.
Kitty: No, you sit!
Hyde: Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!
Laurie: Not to me, freak.
Hyde: You are so going to end up in porno!
Kitty: [sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]
Eric: Right to the bar. Not a good sign.
Red: What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?
Kitty: Yay!
Red: Yeah, I got it!
Eric: Hey, congratulations, Dad.
Red: Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.
Eric: What, you can't do that!
Red: Yes I can! You're fired!
Eric: Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.
Red: Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!
Hyde: God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?
Eric: [laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.
Red: I know!

[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]
Hyde: [To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Red: Good for you, Steven.
Hyde: I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]
Kitty: Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!
Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.
Hyde: I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.
Kitty: Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..
Hyde: I'm not much of -- brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!
Eric: No, they DON'T.
Hyde: Oh, they love my brownies!

[Midge and Bob recites their vows]
Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]
Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.
Midge: So we know all the good stuff...
Bob: ...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]
Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
Midge: No matter what happens...
Bob: Good or bad...
Midge: I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]
Kitty: Awww!

[Red alerts Kitty about Bob wearing a toupee]
Kitty: No hair?
Red: None...well, a little.
Kitty: Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
Red: Geez Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.
Kitty: Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]
Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Kitty: Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]
Kitty: [astonished] Really.

[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]
Red: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?
Professor Stark: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.
Kitty: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?
Eric: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.
Laurie: [thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!
Eric: It was just...it was so surprising.
Hyde: Oh Eric, do tell!
Eric: I saw Laurie....
Stark: I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!
Red: That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

[Red fantasizes a scene in the manner of a soap opera]
Announcer: And now, another episode of Point Place.
Red: My god Kitty. What have I become?
Kitty: I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
Red: [faces her] What are you saying?
Kitty: I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.
Red: But why?
Kitty: He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?
Red: [dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]
[Cuts to Red sitting in the kitchen, Kitty enters]
Kitty: Penny for your thoughts.
Red: Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.