[Red has admitted getting Eric's Candy Land money stash to buy a new water heater]
Red: Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

[Red is asked to make a birthday wish on his night out with Kitty. Bob and Midge are also present, with their own dates]
Red: Riiight. Now I'm gonna eat this steak, but first, I'm gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!

[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-
Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]
Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?
Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -
Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -
Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.
Kelso: This is hard, Red!
Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!
Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]

[The gang is heading to Vanstock. Kelso and Laurie are in the forward section of the van]
Kelso: So, you wanna shift?
Laurie: It's an automatic.
Kelso: I know.
Jackie: [jumps out from behind the curtain] Surprise!
Kelso: AAAAAAAHHHH!

[The guys are putting in a new water heater]
Eric: This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red : That's right.