Tony: Aren't you hot?
Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.
Tony: I'm talking about temperature!
Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.
Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.

Tony: Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.
Ziva: What?!
Tony: Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.
Ziva: The Indian word for corn is maki.
Tony: Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!
Ziva: Well if they were Indians from here then we would be called American Indians, you dork.
Tony: [laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.

Tony: Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four grand a piece.
Gibbs: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Ziva: All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited around the same time.
Gibbs: It's a dummy corp.
Tony: Interpol's checking into it.
Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.
Tony: You do it. Not you, boss. You! I mean, how many languages do you speak, anyway?
Ziva: Including the language of love, ten.

Tony: Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?
Tony: I'm late for a squash game!
Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]
Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!
Palmer: I can get the top part!
Tony: Stay, stay, stay!
[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all arguing at once.]
Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.
Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!
Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva: No, you wouldn't!
[Elevator doors close]

Tony: Did you see that?
Ziva: See what?
Tony: A wink.
Ziva: Director Vance winked?
Tony: I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but --
Ziva: Why would it matter if he winked?
Tony: Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink, nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up the slack when we see it.
Ziva: You see slack.
Tony: I don't know. Did you see a wink?

Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.
McGee: I was there, too, near the car, you know.
Ziva: We all were.
McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.
Tony: This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!
McGee: I know!
Tony: Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.
McGee: Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.
Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.
Ziva: You stole them?
Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?
Ziva: Is this for the secret Santa?
Tony: How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.
McGee: I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.
Tony: Have you ever seen her smile?
McGee: No.
Ziva: Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!
Tony: It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Plotting to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.

Tony: He was Kai-jacked!
McGee: Did you just say that?
Tony: I regret it already.

Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.
Ziva: You are obsessed.
Tony: You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: Why is that?
Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.
Ziva: [scoffs]

Tony: I get it. It must have been tough. Your wife dies and you're left with an eight year old kid, but your solution, Dad, was to warehouse me in boarding schools and summer camps, and half the time I never knew where you were or what you were doing. I needed a closer relationship.
DiNozzo, Sr.: You forget, we took some great vacations together.
Tony: Like the trip to Maui where you left me in a hotel room for two days and I was twelve years old?!

Tony: I have to break one of your rules, boss. Number six: never say you're sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.
Gibbs: Ah, it's covered. Rule eighteen.
Tony: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I forgiven?
Gibbs: No. You've been distracted by your father.
Tony: It's that obvious?

Tony: I just sort of feel like you can use negative space to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my life.
Nora Williams: No, I think you're in the right profession.
Tony: All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?
Nora: Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or --
Ziva: Crime scene photos.
Nora: You just need people in them. happy people-
Ziva: living people.

Tony: I thought you said 27.000 kills.
McGee: 28.000 kills.
Tony: But you said yesterday 27.000 kills!
McGee: Well, that was yesterday.
Tony: You kill a thousand people a day?
McGee: I was hot. I was super hot. I was cappin' fools!
Tony: It's not a cause for pride, McGee! It's a cause for concern!

Tony: I'll just stand here with my gun.

Tony: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say serial killer.
Ziva: [laughs] A limb. Nice!
Tony: Can I give you a hand? These are terrible jokes...