A guy at the Halloween party: Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I'm going to have to fight off a hangover while I'm in court, and some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now.
[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her.]

Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.
McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.
McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby: It has nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!
McGee: All I have are big bills.
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.
McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.
Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!
(silence)
Tony: Sure, I got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!
Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.
McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.

Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?
Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) I'm a good Jethro.
Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Abby: [about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.
Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]
Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

Abby: [about the suspect] She's like Lisbeth Salander meets scary Katy Perry.

Abby: [her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean, that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading my mind, or am I sending you some sort of brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.

Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

Abby: [speaking to her computers and devices] Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. [walks up to her stereo and turns up music, then heads back to her computer and breathes in deeply] Ready.
Season 5

Abby: [to Gibbs] I can hear you staring.

Abby: [to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you, ma'am.

Abby: [while watching video of a terrorists van] Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival?
Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.
Abby: Sweet.

Abby: [yelling] What?!
Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?
Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.

Abby: Correct as always, my silver-haired fox - I mean, Gibbs, sir, boss.