Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now.
[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her.]

Abby: [yelling] What?!
Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?
Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.

Abby: Correct as always, my silver-haired fox - I mean, Gibbs, sir, boss.

Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist.
Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?
Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate.

Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.

Abby: See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]
Gibbs: Yes.
Abby: I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.
Gibbs: Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?
Abby: That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Gibbs: Is that a band?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Gibbs: Doubt it...
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box.
McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.
Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.
[McGee looks confused.]
Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.
Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.
McGee: I thought that was an urban myth.
Abby: Give me a bill.
McGee: Huh?
Abby: Give me a bill!
[McGee hands her a bill.]
Gibbs: A hundred?
McGee: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency.
Abby: You are such a boy scout.
[Abby rubs bill on paper.]
Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.
[Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill.]
McGee: Um, Abs?
Abby: Yeah?
McGee: Forgetting something?
Abby: No.

Abby: You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.
Kate: Oh, I'm looking at one right now.
Tony: Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think it's an experience that...
Kate: I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.
Abby: [Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!

Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?

Abby: [reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have to - blank - him."
McGee: Kill?
Kate: Murder?
Tony: Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!
Gibbs: I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!

Abby: [referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?
Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.

Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.
McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!
Abby: Yeah, he can.
McGee: You're right, we are doomed.

Abby: It's more addictive than pistachios.
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?

Abby: Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.
Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.