A guy at the Halloween party: Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.
McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.
McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby: It has nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!
McGee: All I have are big bills.
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.
McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.
Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!
(silence)
Tony: Sure, I got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!
Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.
McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.

Abby: [about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.
Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]
Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

Abby: [her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean, that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading my mind, or am I sending you some sort of brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.

Abby: [speaking to her computers and devices] Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. [walks up to her stereo and turns up music, then heads back to her computer and breathes in deeply] Ready.
Season 5

Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
Gibbs: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like "love you" love you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.
McGee: I could have done without that comparison.
Abby: But I love puppies.

Abby: Technically, it was a squatting hug, or squg.

Abby: [gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.
Gibbs: I've still got my eyebrows.
Abby: Good point.

Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.
Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?
Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?
McGee: You challenged it to a duel.
Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.
McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.
Gibbs: (walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

Ducky: [about the morgue] This is the place, where death rejoices in teaching the living!

Ducky: [Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins widely] From a purely forensic standpoint, I mean.

Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Gibbs: Army what? McGee?
McGee: [reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Ducky: I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?
Jenny: Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!
Ducky: I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]
Jenny: Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?
Ducky: Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.
Jenny: Anything else?
Ducky: Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off] - autopsy.

Ducky: Unless you're a spy.
Ziva: Why're you looking at me?!
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.