Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I'm going to have to fight off a hangover while I'm in court, and some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

Abby: [to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you, ma'am.

Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?
Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby: Neither do I.
[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.
Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.

Abby: I'm a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.
McGee: Uh, Abby, you play with voodoo dolls.
Abby: I meant metaphorically, McGee. I don't think they actually do anything. I just play with ��em, y'know, to relax.

Abby: I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.
Tony: Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.
Abby: I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.
Tony: What seems to be the problem Abs?
Abby: McGee's ignoring me!
Tony: Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]
McGee: Ow! What was that for?
Tony: Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

Abby: McGee, you're lurking without a permit.

Abby: Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts!

Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.

Abby: What are you not telling me?
McGee: What do you mean?
Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
McGee: What?
Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.
McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
Abby: The Director hasn't called.
Ziva: About?
Abby: About?! Gibbs!
Ziva: Oh...
Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...
Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
Abby: What if they were?!
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).

Abby: What can I do for you?... What?
Tony: You're weirder than Gibbs.
Abby: How so?
Tony: He's being nice.
Abby: Gibbs is always nice.
Tony: To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.
Abby: Which makes you feel wanted.
Tony: Yeah!

Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]

Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.

Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.
Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?