McGee: Why would you let someone get away with rape?
Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.
McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?
Ziva: I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.
Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Missy Dawkins: Oh my god, I can't believe he's dead!
McGee: What was your relationship with the deceased?
Missy Dawkins: You mean he's deceased, too?

Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!
Ziva: NCIS! We don't want any candy!
Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Neighborhood kid: Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.
Ted Rogers: And illegal!
Ziva: And you are?
Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!
Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

Nora: You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.
Ziva: Tony and I have different approaches.
Nora: You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --
Ziva: No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?
Nora: You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you two shared a room, so I --
Ziva: I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]
...
McGee: Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?
Tony: Me. We flipped a coin.
McGee: Tough break. (walks away)
Ziva: Why did you just lie to McGee?
Tony: Why did you lie to Nora?

Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Palmer: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Palmer: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Saleem Ulman: [leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. I am concerned that US forces might be mobilized. One of you will tell me the identities and locations of the operatives in the area, and the other will die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who lives. [leaves the room]
Tony: [smiles painfully at Ziva] So... how was your summer?

Szwed: All right. She's a triple digit ride, big old pumpkins in there, but don't get tempted. We gotta get on the big slab and you stay to the granny lane and you keep it under the double nickel, even while you're runnin' deadhead. And bird dog on the dash so you don't get shot in the back by bears, you got it?
Werth: 10-4.
Szwed: All right, lets roll!
Werth: Hey, we gotta pit stop. [Zwed turns around and looks at Werth]
Werth: Three quarters of a tank... I don't like to take chances.
Lucas: GPS tracking puts them in Front Royal in a few hours.
Szwed: Let's make it quick.
Ziva: Umm, what language was that?
Werth: He says she's fast, but not to push her, even when we're drivin' empty. And to uh, watch out for cops.
Ziva: So the truck is a she?
Werth: Let's go rob someone.

Tony: [He is inside the van] Last one to use the van should have to clean it out. Should be a rule.
Ziva: There is.
Tony: Well, who was the last one to use it?
Ziva: You were.
Tony: [Laughs] I don't think so, 'cause it smells like falafels and I know a certain back-up probie agent that smells a little falafely. You wanna' help?
Ziva: Sure.
Tony: Thank you.
Ziva: [Kicks the trash can over to Tony and walks over to Damon Werth]
Damon Werth: Probie?
Ziva: Yeah, I'm in the process of becoming a sworn NCIS agent.
Damon Werth: Don't you have to be an American citizen to join a federal agency?
Ziva: I'm also in the process of becoming an American citizen.
Damon Werth: And I thought you had to be a legal resident for, you know...
Ziva: [Interrupting] There are a few strings being tugged.
Tony: Pulled. Pull strings.
Damon Werth: Tug heart strings.
Ziva: The heart has strings?
Damon Werth: According to poets.
Tony: Don't confuse the girl. Taken a lot of marionetting to get her this far.
Damon Werth: And who's the puppet master?

Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.
Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.
Tony: The walls?
Abby: Well do they appear to be removeable?
Tony: Huh.
McGee: Abby.
Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.
Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?
Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!
Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.
Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!
Tony: So what do you want me to do?!
Franks: Knock!
Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!
Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun??
Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!
Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!

Tony: A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.
Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?
Tony: What are you, anti-flan?

Tony: All right, McNosy, what do you got?
McGee: From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.
Ziva: The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!
Tony: Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!
McGee: Minus the grassy knoll.
Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!
Tony: Depository.
Ziva: That's what I said.

Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?
Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.
Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.
Ziva: I do have friends!
Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?
Ziva: You are my friend.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No. My date canceled.
Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

Tony: Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?
Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.
McGee: Good for you, Ziva.
Tony: Who says we want her as an American?
Ziva: Who says you have a say?
Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!
Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?
Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.
McGee: That's Dr. Strangelove.