Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.
Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?
Kelly: Oh.

Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!

Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?

Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."
Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!
Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.

Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
Peg: You're the king, baby.
Al: Make me believe it.
Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

Salesman: Welcome to Hurricane Hole! Oops, sorry, let me get that for you.
Salesman sprays an insect on the wall
Peg: Sir, we are on our honeymoon! You could at least have the decency to allow us to have sex and wait another eight seconds before you barge in here!

Steve: And none of you could tell me that she was married.
Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the children.

Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

Last lines of episode
Kelly: Hi Dad. How was Florida?
Al: Oh, you know, hot, muggy, kitschy. What I expected.
Bud: Did you bring anything back?
Al: Only thing I could think of. Say hello to our new houseguest, Mr. Byrnes.
Edd Byrnes enters Bundy residence
Edd Byrnes: Hey kids, I got a treat for each of you!
Edd hands Kelly and Bud each a comb, then goes outside
Al: Care to tell me who those men camping out on my front lawn are?
Kelly: Oh, that is just Anthrax, Daddy. They ate Mom's mystery pack so the Red Cross quarantined them to our house for six months.
Al: Swell. I can only imagine what ungodly music I will be made to bear for the next six months.
Anthrax is outdoors with Edd Byrnes
Charlie Benante: Hey, this really rocks!
Anthrax{singing in unison}: Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb!

[Marcy has just broken up Steve and Jefferson's fight]
Steve: He's your husband?! Were you soo depressed that you married this? Whoa, the desperation.
Jefferson: This is the mighty Steve?! The one you used to throw in my face. The one who wasn't much too look at but at least he had a job.
Steve:[offended] Oh you gigolos make me sick. You thik just because a man divorces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back! So you can pack up your hair and profile and find some another heartbroken, discarded middle-aged woman to marry. And leave us decent folk to our happy home.
Jefferson: Pardon me, Yogi. You're not wanted here anymore. Marcy's got a real man now.

[While watching television, a pregnant Peg turns to Al as he comes home looking similar to Simeon Pathetica.]
Announcer: Note the stoop shoulders and the dull blank look.
Peg: Can I have your autograph.