Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

Bud: Come on Mr. Darcy, you are just jealous that my dad is running this better than you did.
Jefferson: Yes, I admit that with your dad in control we are making more money in a week than I did in a month, but I am worried about the attention we are attracting. Most of all, I am worried about your father. Something has changed about him.
Al enters in a white suit like a Mafia don
Al: People to rip off, I love it! Come on you little moneymakers, daddy needs a new pair of everything!

Bud: Dad...
Al: Go away.
Bud: This isn't about money.
Al: Go away anyway.
Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al: All right, what?
Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday, the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
Peg: AL!
Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

Charlie Benante: It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?

Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!
Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!
Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!
5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

Jefferson: Al, you have done it this time! For the sake of my own safety, this partnership is dissolved.
Al: Fine, more for me!
Jefferson: I do not think you are fully aware of what you did by offending Madame Inga. Word is she is gathering all the dark forces of Sweden to invoke a curse on your house.
Al laughs uproariously
Al: You should listen to yourself! The dark forces of Sweden?! Oh no, the Swedish are after me! What can they do? Transform my Dodge into a Volvo? See my house is now furnished by Ikea? Or even worse, I wake up one morning next to some long-legged, blonde Nordic beauty with amazing bazoombas!

Jefferson: I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Kelly: [on phone] Hello, Reverend Feltcher. Has Hell frozen over? Well something's up. My brother Bud has a date! Yes, Bud! Okay, yes, church is the place to be at times like this. Okay, I'll be right down. It's the building with the big T on the roof, right? [Puts down phone and runs out the front door]
==

Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?

Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.
[Al enters.]
Al: Why doesn't the world die?