Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan: I don't care if I never inherit this house.
Charlie: Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
Alan: What new will?
Charlie: Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
Alan: (After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
Charlie: Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
Alan: What new will?
Charlie: Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
Alan: (After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
Alan: I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.
Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?
Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?
Alan: I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.
Alan: I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
Alan: I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
Alan: I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?
Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?
Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?
Alan: I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
Alan: I stole him [Chester].
Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!
Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!
Alan: I thought you were going to be busy today.
Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
Alan: I want my forty dollars!
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
Alan: I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
Alan: I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Alan: I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Alan: I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Alan: I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!