Alan: I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Alan: I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Alan: I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?

Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.

Alan: If you want dessert, have an apple!
Jake: Not funny, Dad!

Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.
Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.

Alan: Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.

Alan: Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.

Alan: It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.
Charlie: So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

Alan: It's just for a couple of days.
Charlie: Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
Alan: What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Alan: Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Charlie: Again, have you even tried?

Alan: Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Alan: Jake, come here, sit down.
Jake: Did I do something wrong?
Charlie: No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.
Jake: [sits down] OK.
Alan: Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.
Jake: Yeah.
Alan: Well you...
Charlie: You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.
Jake: Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.
Charlie: That too.
Jake: OK.
Judith: [Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?
Jake: Sure. [Walks out with Judith]
Judith: So how was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.
Charlie: Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!
Charlie: Hey, I told you she would go out with you.
Alan: And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.