Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!
Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Al: Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.
Peg: That's why our marriage works.

Al: The victory was ours, for the school, the championship, & for me, all city, & the legend, & then your mother... the end. OH GOD!

Al: The winning touchdown and son, that is the story of the greatest sport moment in all of history.

Al: You know that new aerobics center up above me. The one with the sign "Quarter-ton Discount"? Well today they played Van Halen's "Jump" & damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful Peg. The ceiling opened up down they came walking off the set.

Al{on phone}: Yeah, we are having a wedding so we need about 2 pounds of cold cuts. What is your cheapest stuff?...Yes, I will take the beaks and claws! I still think 12 cents a pound is damn steep.

Al{on the phone}: Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see.
Al: Bud, how old are you?
Bud: Sixteen, Dad.
Al{on the phone}: He is sixteen...What! If you think I'm gonna pay that much... you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna...You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
Peggy: Well, what'd he say, Al?
Al: Nothing I haven't said myself.
Al{on the phone}: Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
Al hangs up
Al: There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
Peg, Kelly & Bud{in unison}: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
Peg: Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Bud: Dad, I won a contest! I get to fly to the District of Columbia where I will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States!
Al: My boy going to meet the President! What a concept. Son, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper. I bet that stuff is the best. Oh, and you know that woman he is always with...what's her name, Mrs. President? She seems like a nice lady. Get her to make a home-cooked meal for you to take back for me.
Bud rolls eyes
Bud: Uh, sure Dad. I will remember. All I need is $100 to cover taxes and travel expenses.
Al: $100?! Why for that kind of money we could get the President to come here!

Bud: Hi, Dad.
Al: Hi, son. It's not the way it looks, I was just crying on the floor.

Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.
Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Bud and Kelly slink away.]
Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Bud: You can't win. You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!