Woody: I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?
Carla: Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?
Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of this you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Well you keep believing that, Woody.

Woody: My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?
Carla: Your grandfather.
Woody: No, he doesn't go in the attic.

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.

Woody: Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.
[On the other side of the bar]
Cliff: Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.
Norm: I didn't have any cheese doodles.
Cliff: Last night you did.
Norm: I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?

Woody: So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"
Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.
Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.
Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"
Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.

Woody: [Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.
Norm: Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?
Woody: Now I've got two problem.
Sam: I get it. Your mom would disapprove.
Woody: Make that three problems.
Frasier: What? Do you have religious scruples?
Woody: Oh great four problems.
Sam: What was your original problem?
Woody: Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

[Sam enters wearing a suit]
Carla: Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
Sam: I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
Cliff: How'd it go?
Sam: I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
Sam: That's right.
Norm: Okay, for a second there I was offended.