Tony: McGPS, are we close to anything?

Tony: Nice girl, wasn't my type though.
Ziva: Really? She was breathing.
Tony: Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I'd be dating you.

Tony: So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?
McGee: Maybe he's bluffing.
Tony: Uh-uh. It was on the nose.
Ziva: Whose nose?
Tony: On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

Tony: So you stayed at Ab's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?
Ziva: It is a one-bedroom apartment.
Tony: One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?
Ziva: You want the truth?
Tony: Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.
Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over... on the couch... in my pajamas.
Tony: Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?

Tony: What's going on here?
McGee: Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.
Ziva: You are such a control geek.
Tony: Freak.
Ziva: Yes, that too.

Tony: What?
Ziva: You seem, um... different.
Tony: Taller? Hotter?
Ziva: Older.
Tony: Well, it's been over four months.
Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
Ziva: Drinking?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
[Ziva touches his shoulder]
Ziva: You could have called.

Tony: [in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!

Tony: [Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seated fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't missin' you at all!

Tony: Are we fighting?
Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.
Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony: Get any more hits on our secret thing?
Abby: Do you know how busy I've been?
Tony: I know how busy you've been.
Abby: Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --
Tony: Ziva's father.
Abby: She must know Rivkin.
Tony: You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]
Abby: Tony.
Tony: I mean it.

Tony: He got a name?
Ziva: Who?
Tony: The star of David.
Ziva: Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.
Tony: Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?
Ziva: Michael.
Tony: Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.
Gibbs: Okay, grab your toothbrush.
McGee: Road trip?
Gibbs: Los Angeles.
Tony: Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?
Gibbs: Not we. [Points to McGee]
Tony: McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Tony: Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs!
Abby: Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --
Tony: Mr. Giggles?!
Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Tony: Not Gibbs!
Abby: Okay. Tell me. I can take it.
Tony: Well, he's just upstairs --
Abby: Wait! I can't.
Tony: Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]
Abby: Oh! [smiles brightly]

Tony: I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.
Ziva: Meaning?
Tony: Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

Tony: I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.
Ziva: Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!
Tony: Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!

Tony: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]
Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.
Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!