NCIS quotes

1049 total quotes



Tony: [standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.
[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...
Gibbs: Job.

Tony: [talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?
Gibbs: [walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
Tony: [startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.
Gibbs: Got work to do.
Tony: I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?
McGee: Are you alone?
Tony: Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.
Gibbs: Working on it.

Tony: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.
Ziva: What could they want?
Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?
Ziva: Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.
Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!
Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.
Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.
Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.
Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.
Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.
Ziva: It was a reflex!
Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]
Tony: I'm tired of pretending.
Ziva: So am I.

Tony: Here come the clowns.
McGee: The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.
Tony: Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.
McGee: Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --
Tony: But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

Tony: Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?
Ziva: Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!
Tony: What are friends for?!

Tony: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Ziva: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean that you know *everything* about them.
Tony: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...
Ziva: I MEANT, I understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives seperate, as should you. It did not end very well, when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?
Tony: ...Thanks for the memory.

Tony: I had no choice.
Ziva: That's a lie.
Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?
Ziva: To save your worthless ass.
Tony: From who, Vance? Mossad?
Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Tony: For you. He was playing you Ziva.
Ziva: And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?
Tony: I did what I had to do.
Ziva: You killed him!
Tony: If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?
Ziva: Perhaps I would.
Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!
Ziva: Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.
Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.
Ziva: You took advantage of him.
Tony: He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]
Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.
Tony: I see you read my report.
Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.
Tony: You weren't there.
Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.
Tony: You-weren't-there.
Ziva: But I should have been.
Tony: You loved him?
Ziva: I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Tony: I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.

Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Tony: Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?
McGee: We are not hacking, Tony.
Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

Tony: It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!
Gibbs: Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?
Tony: You are very right, boss.

Tony: Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.
Ziva: And he overdoses.
Tony: Hell of a coinky-dink.
Ziva: What's a kwinkadink?
Tony: Coincidence.
Ziva: You believe this is a dwinkakwink?
Tony: Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.

Tony: Look, everybody enjoys a good book, but don't you ever have the urge to just act a little...
Ziva: Childish?
Tony: Silly. Stupid. Brainless.
Ziva: Like you?
Tony: Exactly.
Ziva: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up. Fast. You have no choice.
Tony: Now you do.

Tony: McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?
McGee: Don't need to see it - I lived it.