NCIS quotes

1049 total quotes



Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Almost.
Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.
Tony: Done.

Gibbs: DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.
Tony: On it, boss!

Gibbs: DiNozzo!
(Tony is snoring)
Kate: I'll wake him up.
Gibbs: No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)
Kate: Bad dream, DiNozzo?!
Tony: I... wha... uh... wha...

Gibbs: I need the condoms tested.
Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...

Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.
McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's-
Gibbs: You belong to me now.
[After he leaves]
Kate: Congratulations!
Tony: Yeah, what she said.
McGee: So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?
Kate and Tony: Sure.
McGee: Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--
[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]
Tony: You know I could really get used to that.

Gibbs: Paranoid.
Tony: Sounds like someone I know.

Gibbs: The homicide detective, that completes the team.
Ducky: You're forgetting the medical examiner.
Jimmy: Oh, that's you!

Gibbs: What about his prints?
Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.
McGee: Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?
Abby: [nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Jay: Who are you?
Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you.
Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!

Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Jimmy: Something wrong, doctor?
Ducky: Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Oh, right.

Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?!
Tony: Uh... listening.
Kate: That is just wrong.
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]

Kate: Damn it Tony I should just take you home and just get you into bed...
[Ducky and Tony look at each other and then back to Kate]

Kate: Gibbs will get over it
McGee: When?
Kate: Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.