NCIS quotes
1049 total quotesAll Seasons
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Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened]
Kate: [speechless]
Gibbs: I need coffee.
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened]
Kate: [speechless]
Gibbs: I need coffee.
Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... Neither does Tony.
Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat??
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat??
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?
Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.
Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.
[Later]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: You think?
Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.
[Later]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: You think?
Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.
Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait jacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.
Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Kate: Because he probably killed them.
Kate: Because he probably killed them.
Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... thumbs up.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.
Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.
Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.
Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World, Simple Life, Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.
Tony: What's Candid Camera?
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.
Tony: What's Candid Camera?
Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?
McGee: Ummmm, not sure.
Tony: [gives him a look]
McGee: ...sir?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: 's alright. Rookie mistake.
McGee: Ummmm, not sure.
Tony: [gives him a look]
McGee: ...sir?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: 's alright. Rookie mistake.
Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.
Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!
Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?