Ducky: Dwayne Wilson...
Gibbs: He's a baby agent.
Ducky: And I'm looking at his personnel report because...?
Gibbs: That's your thing!
Ducky: My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.
Ducky: So you don't want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Gibbs: Army what? McGee?
McGee: [reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Ducky: I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?
Jenny: Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!
Ducky: I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]
Jenny: Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?
Ducky: Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.
Jenny: Anything else?
Ducky: Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off] - autopsy.

Ducky: Jimmy, I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But until then, I would greatly appreciate your assistance here.

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he can send in the B-team.
Gibbs: Implies there's an A-team, Duck.
Ducky: Isn't there?

Ducky: My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Ducky: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.

Ducky: Unless you're a spy.
Ziva: Why're you looking at me?!
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.
Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?

Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.
Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in this documentary that Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?
Ducky: Yes, well, I was referring to the mother bear's protective instincts when her cubs are threatened. There is no more dangerous creature in the world.
Ziva: I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.
Ducky: Well, that's perfectly dreadful.
Ziva: That's what I said to Tony!
Ducky: What does Gibbs think?
Ziva: I don't know. He isn't speaking to me.
Ducky: Well, chin up, my dear. It could be worse.
Ziva: How?
Ducky: He could be a bear.

Ducky: 'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail gamemenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.
Palmer: Situation?
Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.

Ducky: (talking to Ziva about a dead body that had been stabbed) Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.

Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!
Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?