Ducky: [referring to the ringing phone] That's the third time in an hour.
Palmer: I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.
Ducky: There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged wedding vows.
Palmer: How did you know it was Breena?
Ducky: You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not much lately.
Palmer: It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say seems wrong. What should I do?
Gibbs: [walks in] Just give her what she wants.
Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.

Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.

Ducky: A toast! Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good things for Fall!
Abby: And to all a good night! [pause] Wrong holiday.

Ducky: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.
Gibbs: [looking at the body] When'd she die?
Ducky: Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--
Gibbs: [interrupting] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the first case that Jethro and I worked? Two sailors capsized a recreational skiff one summer's eve; panic ensued. When they were finally located, one sailor was dead and the other severely hypothermic.
Abby: So the one sailor drowned?
Ducky: No. Rather than watch his friend slowly expire, one sailor stabbed the other, claiming that it was more humane. He was convinced that his actions were justified.
Abby: Like Gibbs twenty years ago. [Ducky nods] Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen with Gibbs?
Ducky: In 1940 Winston Churchill sat in his bunker smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty," he said over the radio, "and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'" The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.

Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)
Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.

Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. She is here to protect us!
Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers.
Kate: Ma'am?
Mrs. Mallard: Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.
Tony: It's always been my philosophy.

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring to Director Vance]
Palmer: Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision. They're probably talking about the incision.

Ducky: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real ninjas.

Ducky: She also put some of Mother's silver in the dishwasher.
Gibbs: Really? [sarcastically]

Ducky: Something wrong, Jethro?
Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.
Ducky: Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.
Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death.
Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.
Gibbs: Ducky...
Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...

Ducky: There doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
Tony: I wasn't counting.
Ziva: Seven times.
Tony: She was, of course.
Ziva: It was hard not to.

Ducky: These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.
Gibbs: The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.
Ducky: Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.
(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card illegally)

Ducky: [to Gerald after reenacting a death] You're supposed to be dead.