[Chandler lights a cigarette]
Phoebe: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: Chandler!
Joey: You're smoking again?
Chandler: Well, actually yesterday I was smoking again, today I'm smoking still.

[Chandler's parents meet up at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler's father is now a transvestite.]
Charles Bing: Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

[Cliff's cast is itchy. Phoebe gets a spoon to scratch it.]
Cliff: Wow. I usually get to know a girl better before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax, it's not like we're forking.

[During Rachel's phone call, Ross loudly grinds pepper. Then his picnic basket catches fire from a candle.]
Rachel: Excuse me -- I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.

[Elizabeth and Ross are kissing.]
Elizabeth: What's wrong?
Ross: I'm sorry, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth: Okay... well, whatever works for you.

[Emily and Ross are reciting their wedding vows.]
Priest: I, Ross...
Ross: I, Ross...
Priest: ... take thee, Emily...
Ross: ... take thee, Rachel...
Season 5

[Everyone is watching Joey finish off the turkey.]
Joey: Well, that's it. I'm done. Whew! [wipes his forehead] There come the meat sweats. [Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.]
Monica: Well, Joey, we're all... we're all very proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No, just nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants, by the way.
[Joey notices that Monica has a pie.]
Joey: Whoa--hey--wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?
Monica: Yeah. You want some?
Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver.
[Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.]
Joey: A little bigger.
[Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.]
Joey: Little bigger.
[Monica moves the knife again.]
Joey: What? Are you afraid you're gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!

[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]
Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

[In reference to Phoebe doing porn.]
Monica: Well, I guess it makes sense, you know, having such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you're dead inside.

[Joanna runs into her fawning assistant Sophie.]
Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
Joanna: Oh, great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.

[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Caroline: Hello.
Joey and Chandler: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

[Joey and Chandler are discussing Joey's impending date with Rachel.]
Chandler: Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?
Joey: Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?
Joey: It's okay!

[Joey and Ross are trying to talk Frank Jr. out of marrying his teacher Alice.]
Joey: You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's going to be 88!

[Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!
Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

[Joey has just gotten two terrible reviews of his acting in a play.]
Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."