Carol's Doctor: [To Carol] How do you like your contractions?
Carol: [with an air of false joy] Oh, they're wonderful! Each one's like a party going on in my uterus!

Chandler and Joey: [To Phoebe] Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh... I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: They weren't looking at you before?
Chandler: Finally, I figure I better answer it. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very very weird, because- she never calls me!

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Monica: The oven is on!
Rachel: Oh, I've got to get my ticket!
Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your keys.
Monica: Well then, get it, get it!
Joey: Hey, hey, that tone won't make me go any faster.
Monica: Joey.
Joey: That one will.

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.
Joey: All right!
Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel [laughing]: You know what?
Joey [laughing]: What?
Rachel [laughing]: There were times when it wasn't even me.
[Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other]
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush!

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would.

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

Chandler: What is it about me? Is it my hair?
Rachel: Yes, it's exactly that, Chandler. It's your hair.
Phoebe: You have homosexual hair.

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
Jill Goodacre: [gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]
Chandler: [thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

Chandler: [after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression even though he said "be vague about it"] So... what is it about me?
Monica: I don't know....You...you have a quality.
Everyone: Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

Chandler: [Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time] There's no easy way to say this. At least, there's no new way for me to say this.