Janice: I brought you something.
Chandler: Is it loaded?

Joey: All right, all right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to The Russian Tea Room.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
[Ross gestures his consent]
Joey: Strip joints! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Joey: Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Phoebe: You know he's gay?
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey:Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station..
Chandler: [To Joey] Now you are scaring me.

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.

Monica: I wanna baby!
Chandler: You'll get one.
Monica: Oh really when?
Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Uh... Uh....
Monica: What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?
Chandler: This parachute is a knapsack!

Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: [Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
Ross: Hi.
[They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. he sits, defeated again]
[A moment of silence where Rachel sits; the others expect her to explain]
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: -who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Monica: [complaining about her Thanksgiving] Did anyone ever give a hoot about what I wanted? NO, NO, NO, NO! And I'm just... [her voice gets very squeaky and high-pitched]
Chandler: Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

Phoebe [singing]:

Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"