Chandler: [while Erica is giving birth] Is it really that bad?
Erica: Uh-huh. I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!

Chandler: Have fun in church camp!

Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?
Monica: No! The last time you did, you said it like Dracula and it scared her!

Chandler: What do we do?
Monica: What do you mean "what do we do"?
Chandler: Twins! Twins!
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking.
Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?

Chandler: [When he finds out he won't be in the wedding] I can't believe this it's like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming, I mean the balance beam - help me!
Ross: Football!
Chandler: Thank you!

Chandler: I know. I hate being left out of things.
Ross: I know. And it's a wedding. It'll be weird if I'm not in it.

Chandler: Look! Look what the-Look what the floating heads did!
Monica: I don't care.
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: That was the adoption agency.
Chandler: And?
Monica: We're getting a baby!
Chandler: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! [They embrace]

Chandler: Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?
Monica: What do you have in mind?
Chandler: I think you know.
Monica: I really don't feel like it!
Chandler: This is what I want to do.
Monica: All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!
Chandler: [holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

Chandler: Well, if I were a guy...
[Everyone stares at him.]
Chandler: Wait. Did I just say "If I were a guy"?

Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well, then, who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: [pause, then it hits] No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I was the pile of coats!
Ross: Oh my...!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: What did I marry into?

Doctor: You do know it's twins, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. These are the faces of two people in the know!

Joey: Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: I don't... understand
Joey: Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?
Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
Joey: Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.
Chandler: On every word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: What was this sentence originally?
Joey: Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."
Chandler: And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."
Joey: And hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Uh, Joey, I don't think we can use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

Joey: Know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh tons, I'm quite the woodsman.

Joey: What kinds are they?
Monica: This is a boy and that's a girl.
Chandler: Yeah, her name's Erica.
Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica.
Chandler: Yeah, it's a shame you two never spent more time together.

Joey: [Yells] JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!!