[First words of the series and show]
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: Alright Joey, be nice.
Chandler: [to Monica] So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
[The others stare, bemused]
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: They weren't looking at you before?
Chandler: Finally, I figure I better answer it. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very very weird, because- she never calls me!

Ross: [Enters, mortified] Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: [Explaining to others] Carol moved her stuff out today. [To Ross] Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
Ross: No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine... be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
[Ross gestures his consent]
Joey: Strip joints! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just-- I just-- I just want to be married again.
[Rachel in a wedding dress enters the shop]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!.

Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: [Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
Ross: Hi.
[They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. he sits, defeated again]
[A moment of silence where Rachel sits; the others expect her to explain]
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: -who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

Chandler and Joey: [To Phoebe] Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh... I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Rachel: [Excited] Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Rachel: You're a twin?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.

Ross: [talking about the baby's name] Wait a minute, why is Susan's name in it?
Susan: It's my baby, too.
Ross:Funny, I don't remember you making any sperm!

Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again.
Phoebe: Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

[Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]
Ross: A thumb?
Joey: Ewwww!
Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.