Ross: All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.
Chandler: You know, I don't see that happening.
Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell a-SLEEP?!
Ross: It was five-thirty in the morning! And you had rambled on for eighteen pages! Front and back! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e is "you are". Y-o-u-r is "your"!
Rachel: I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!
Ross: [fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!
Rachel: And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I still have your letter! [walks out]
Rachel: And, hey, just so you know -- it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]
Chandler: I knew it!

Ross: And I ended up telling him that...
Phoebe: What?
Ross: You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Ross: And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, four thousand years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

Ross: Brussels sprouts? That's worse than no food!

Ross: Carol's late. She's going into labor and still in the cab.
Rachel: Don't worry Ross. It's probably $2.00 for the first contraction and 75 cents for each additional contraction. [laughs, sees that everyone's looking at her] What? It's okay when Chandler does it?!
Chandler: You gotta pick your moments.

Ross: Did you ever heard a guy who has a crush on you?
Joey: Is that why you wanna tie my tie?

Ross: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.

Ross: Don't you realize none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you were having sex with Mark?
Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross: Yes, I would.
Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?
Ross:(Hesitating) Yes.
Rachel: If you knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were...
Ross: (He covers his ears and yells) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it's, I mean it's you.

Ross: Fajitas! Be careful. Very hot plate, very hot!
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
Ross: [laughs] That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

Ross: Fine, have me fired. But I want you to know that we are not that different. I mean...I too, am a "neat guy".

Ross: Guess what? Emma laughed today!
Rachel: What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?
Ross: Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.
Rachel: What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Ross: Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
Monica: Oh, no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
Ross: Oh. Hey, who's Carl?
Monica: You know that guy she met at the coffeehouse?
Ross:: No.
Phoebe: Oh, well, you see, there's this guy she met at the...
Ross: At the coffeehouse, right?
Phoebe: So you do know who he is!

Ross: Hey, when we were married, you know what I never got? Uh, sex.
Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, no ring, no sex- big surprise.
Phoebe: Get me a musket and we'll talk.