Phoebe: I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.
Monica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]:
Monica: Well? Didn't you?
Phoebe: I might've...
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?
Monica: What have I not told you?
Phoebe: [smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!
Monica: WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!
[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler. Monica turns to him]:
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Monica: [smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!
[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]:
Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch.
Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.
everyone: Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!
Chandler: JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!
[Everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]:
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

Phoebe: I'm going to kiss you now.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. [They awkwardly put their hands on each other] Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.
Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
[They slowly reach each other and kiss, which Chandler breaks away from]
Chandler: Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!
Phoebe: And why not?
Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!
Phoebe: You're...you're what?
Chandler: [as Monica, Rachel and Joey enter] Love her! That's right, I love her! I love you, Monica.
Monica: I love you, too, Chandler.
Phoebe: I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices!

Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
Rachel: What's with 1922?
Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

Phoebe: It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws...

Phoebe: Lily's dead!
Frank Sr.: She -- what?
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

Phoebe: Me, I'm more free. You know, I run like I did when I was a kid because that's the only way it's fun. You know? I mean, didn't you even run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? You know, like when you were running towards the swings, or running away from Satan?
[Rachel looks confused.]
Phoebe: The neighbor's dog.

Phoebe: Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!
Monica: Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!
Phoebe: I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!
Monica: It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!
Phoebe: [disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]
Rachel: [After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...
Phoebe: [Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!
Rachel: We're still on that!
Monica: I didn't say that!
Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Monica: Tiny portions?!
Phoebe: "Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"
Monica: It's not about quantity!
Phoebe: It's not about quality!
Monica: You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!
Phoebe: At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!
Monica: So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!
Phoebe: Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?
Monica: [Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!
Phoebe: What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

Phoebe: Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come out the top of her head! That's why women are shorter, so that men will fall in love when they hug them! [Ross is staring at Phoebe] Oh, come on, Ross, you're a scientist.

Phoebe: No, don't tear out your eye!!

Phoebe: OK, for a girl: Phoebe; and for a boy: Phoebo. [Phoebeau?]

Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Your mother killed herself!
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Phoebe: Okay, y'know there's a lot of things I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean that they aren't true. Like...the Bermuda Triangle. Or crop circles. Or evolution.
Ross: Whoa, whoa...you don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Nope, not really.
[Phoebe reaches for a plate of cookies, Ross moves the plate away]
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?!
Phoebe: No, I think it's a good story... y'know, Darwin, monkeys... but I just don't buy it.
Ross: Evolution is not something for you to buy, evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay -- don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[They hear a knock at the door.]
Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Phoebe: Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!

Phoebe: Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?
Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler!
[Monica looks confused.]
Ross: Which isn't a sexual thing.