Monica: What's that noise you just made?
Chandler: Oh, that? That's my work laugh.
Monica: Your work laugh?
Chandler: Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Monica: Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.
Chandler: Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!
Monica: Okay, this is how much I love you.
[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]
Chandler: Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica: Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?
Chandler: No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Chandler: Let me be a part of this!

Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: [Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Monica: Why is your family Scottish ?
Chandler: Why is your family Ross ?

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler: [Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".
Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: What? [Looks very shocked] Why?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one!

Monica: You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler: Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Monica: You stick to your job.
Phoebe: What's your Job ?
Chandler: Staying out of the way.

Monica: [about Ross and Russ] See? They're as different as night and... later that night.

Monica: [complaining about her Thanksgiving] Did anyone ever give a hoot about what I wanted? NO, NO, NO, NO! And I'm just... [her voice gets very squeaky and high-pitched]
Chandler: Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

Monica: [On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?
Rachel: No, why?
Monica: Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!
Rachel: [Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!
Monica: [Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]
Monica: [To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!
Joey: Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!
Monica: No, we weren't.
Joey: Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Chandler: [Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Joey: Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]
Monica: You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!
Joey: Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
Monica and Chandler: No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.
Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: [Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Mr. Bing: [Coming on the stage in drag] Hello, darlings.
Chandler: And there's Daddy.

Mr. Treeger: Hey, Duck. Is Chick home?
Chandler: Uhh...
Joey: I'm comin.'
Mr. Treeger: Okay. [to Chandler] Thanks, man.
Chandler: No problem... bunny... rabbit.

Mrs Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Rachel: [Shocked]
Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
Mrs Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

Mrs. Green: [looks out the window] There's an unattractive nude man [Ugly Naked Guy] playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.