Joey: Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Chandler: [mockingly] Yeah. So, Tuesday?
Joey: Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering, think of it like this: the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?
Chandler: Thank you.

Joey: Oh my.. How much do you weigh, Ross ?
Ross: I prefer not to answer that, as I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.

Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out! This wasn't their fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
Joey: No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger: You have pets?
Joey: No-no-no-no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger: Huh... I would've thought it was the other way around.

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and --
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!
All: Oh!
Chandler: That's great!
Joey: And -- and -- and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!

Joey: So is Staten Island really an island?
Ross: Hence the name: Staten Island.
Joey: Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.
Ross: Also an island!

Joey: That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
Chandler [nervous]: Yes, that was mine.
Joey: I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.
Chandler: That would have made more sense.
Joey: I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?

Joey: The question, Rachel, is this: does he like you? Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel:Uh, Joe -- a moo point?
Joey: You know, like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long, or did all that just make sense?

Joey: We gotta spending limit on the date, I cant take her to a fancy place like that .
Ross: Well, Sorry. That's what I do on dates.
Joey: [By stretching hands] Well, I guess I'll just do what I do on dates.
Ross: So, Let's decide on spending limits.
Joey: $6?
Ross: I was thinking more like $100.
Joey: Okay.. Can I borrow $94?

Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade, and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time.
Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?
Joey: What the hell!
Monica: Okay.
[They enter]
The Acting Teacher: All right, let's start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between frontstage and backstage is?
[No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly]

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey: What are you doin'?
Rachel: Moving a chair so I can have a place to sit?
Joey: No, no, Rosita does not move.
Rachel: As in... what?
Joey: As in... Rosita does not move!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: 'Cause she is in the equal distance from the kitchen to the bathroom, and she is at the perfect angle so that no glare is comin' off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie, the TV?
Joey: Is there a problem?

Joey: What kinds are they?
Monica: This is a boy and that's a girl.
Chandler: Yeah, her name's Erica.
Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica.
Chandler: Yeah, it's a shame you two never spent more time together.

Joey: What the hell was that?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Kathy was being nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.
Chandler: What do you want from me?
Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend!
Chandler: I AM pretending.
Joey: Well, then do it better.
Chandler: Okay, uh, what do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? [Joey gives Chandler a thumbs-up.] No, no, it'll be good. I can tell her how much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically over-the-top want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!
Joey: Well, that's pretty good, but you wanna tone it down a little.

Joey: Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?
Ross: Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.