Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

Sheldon: If only there was a way to force Howard to accept my apology to escape this miasma of guilt!
Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.

Sheldon: It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer
[Penny puts her hand up]
Sheldon: Yes Penny.
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: 2,600 years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2,600 years...
Sheldon: Alright go then.
[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]
Sheldon: [voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: OK, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work...and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that, too.
Leonard: Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do!
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to to?
Sheldon: I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with!
Leonard: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'll go talk to her!

Sheldon: Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science; now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard. [leaves]
Leonard: [referring to his earlier failed experiment] Laser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh?

Sheldon: No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. [lowers his voice] No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.

Sheldon: Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.
Leonard: So what, it's the same food.
Sheldon: Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes General Tso.
Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
Sheldon: So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Leonard: Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Sheldon: Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.
...
Sheldon: The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.
Leonard: [impatient] Why not?
Sheldon: It's listed under seafood.

Sheldon: Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, 5 is partway between 3 and��never mind.
Raj: I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.
Raj: ��Okay. I think I got it.
Sheldon & Raj: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]

Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few of them I'm a clown made of candy, but I don't dance.

Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Stephen: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon: [twitching] What do you mean wrong?
Stephen: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon: No, no... that can't be right. [looking through paper] I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Sheldon faints dead away]
Stephen: Great, another fainter.

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Penny: I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good, on your way to see the lawyer pick some tea and cookies.

Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn't a good time.
Leonard: Tell me what you want or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are a good way to start this conversation?
Leonard: Alright I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may wanna sit down.
Leonard: I'm in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may wanna sit up.
Leonard: Just tell me what you want!
Sheldon: I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: When you saying seeing Penny, what do you mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.Well a hot dog. I gave up the other 5 hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. There'll be a tangent line at the end, it's not important.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: Wolowitz made it very clear who's side I should be on. Clearly the male comrade comes before the woman who will sell her body for money.
Leonard: Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: You mean all the emotional distress I've been feeling is essentially useless and in vain.
Leonard: I guess so.
Sheldon: Well as my Meemaw would say, Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon. Oh and as for the tangent line. Sheldon and the hell hound. OR How I lost my hot dogs.

Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be [0,0,0,0].

Sheldon: The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.
Penny: No, the light's been on since I bought the car.
Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!
Penny: It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!