Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling across my chest.
Penny: That'll be the Del Taco.
Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head on his bedroom door?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here! (kisses Sheldon square on the lips) Nah, I'd rather have the busboy.

Elizabeth Plimpton: Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard: Beg your pardon?
Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard: [after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: We broke up weeks ago.
Raj: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
Leonard: [arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?
Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard: He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
Leonard: I don't understand.
Elizabeth: [peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.
Raj: Good?!
Leonard: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Elizabeth: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard: Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

Howard: [checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."
Sheldon: Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.

Howard: I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard: Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.
Bernadette: [making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: [looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to��?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
Sheldon: [in a childish manner] ��But I don't wanna go to bed.
Bernadette: [firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One��
Sheldon: [exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
Leonard: [shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.

Leonard: [About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Raj: Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
Leonard: No, that's not was I was going to say.
Raj: It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
Leonard: That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Sheldon: Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Leonard: Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
Raj: The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
Howard: That's the one.
Leonard: Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
Sheldon: In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?

Leonard: [watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

Leonard: [Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.
Sheldon: Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right. Judas had the courtesy to hang himself after what he did. OK, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: [to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Usually, I'm on the team that picks last��unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.

Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!

Leonard: What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard: Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Leonard: Do me a favor: lean over and put your head right here [in front of a laser he'd been using to fry action figures].
Howard: Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
Leonard: What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
Howard: I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Leonard: What is that?
Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.

Penny: [at the restaurant] What are you doing here?
Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" and three answers came to mind: tollbooth attendant, Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius", here I am.
Penny: So that's it? You just walked in and they hired you just like that?
Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no! Since I don't have to be paid, I didn't have to be hired. I just walked in, picked up a tray, and started working for the Man.

Penny: Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.
Sheldon: I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Penny: There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Sheldon: Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
Leonard: Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart: [walking by] I'd let it go.
Leonard: Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.
[Sheldon turns on another robot]
Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.
Penny: You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, we'll buy you that one.
Leonard: Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: [mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]

Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I'm Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard: Oh, that's not a good name.

Penny: Well, here we are.
Sheldon: Oh my, we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: First we were at Stan Lee's curb, than we were at Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. We're going to have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. [Penny rings the doorbell]
Penny: Okay, sweetie I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi so let me do the talking and... [Stan Lee comes out]
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Aw, crap.
Penny: Hi, I'm Penny and this is my friend Sheldon...
Sheldon: We're not friends at the moment. It depends on how this goes.
Penny: Anyway,Sheldon is a huge fan and he was supposed to be at your signing but he kind of, ended up in jail, so we got your address and...
Stan Lee: Wait, so you just decided to come to my house, uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we were invited.
Penny: No Sheldon, I said, I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. You think you can just ring by doorbell anytime you want? [Sarcastically] I mean why don't you just come in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: [comes inside] Alright, but I'm not a very much of a sports fan.