[at the site for Sheldon's online date]
Amy: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
Howard: [to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?
Season 4

Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.
Bernadette: [making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: [looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to��?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
Sheldon: [in a childish manner] ��But I don't wanna go to bed.
Bernadette: [firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One��
Sheldon: [exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
Leonard: [shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.

Leonard: Hello Leslie.
Leslie: Hi Leonard.
Leonard: I'd like to propose an experiment��
Leslie: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.
Leonard: I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie: What sort of experiment?
Leonard: There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.
Leslie: Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean kiss you now?
Leslie: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie: Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette: They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Raj: Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills�� my heart�� it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: I didn't say it.
Amy: That's enough from the both of you!
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP.
Howard: From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Ministers: By the power invested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon: ..and the Klingon High Council...
Ministers: ..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Penny: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
Amy: That's an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
Penny: So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Penny: Wha-Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.

'[Sheldon reveals that Leonard betrayed both Raj and Howard's trust by sleeping with Raj's sister, Priya]
Raj: [getting up to leave] I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
Leonard: No, no - would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and that she kind of stomped on it?
Raj: ... How hard did she stomp?
Leonard: Very hard!
Raj: Okay, I'm good. [Sits back down]
Howard: Raj, I just want to say I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Leonard: Really? Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj: [horrified] DUDE, I PUT THAT THING ON MY FACE!
Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Howard: Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy Snow-cone maker!
Raj: That was all a lie!? This year's gifts are already wrapped!
Howard: And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?
[Leonard looks horrified]
Sheldon: Well, excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting "mothy."
Leonard: YOU PUT MOTHS IN MY FOOD!?!?!?
Sheldon: For science.
'Raj": I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth!
Leonard: Well, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush!
Sheldon: YOU USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!
Raj: Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
[Sheldon starts blinking furiously]

Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn't a good time.
Leonard: Tell me what you want or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are a good way to start this conversation?
Leonard: Alright I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may wanna sit down.
Leonard: I'm in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may wanna sit up.
Leonard: Just tell me what you want!
Sheldon: I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: When you saying seeing Penny, what do you mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.Well a hot dog. I gave up the other 5 hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. There'll be a tangent line at the end, it's not important.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: Wolowitz made it very clear who's side I should be on. Clearly the male comrade comes before the woman who will sell her body for money.
Leonard: Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: You mean all the emotional distress I've been feeling is essentially useless and in vain.
Leonard: I guess so.
Sheldon: Well as my Meemaw would say, Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon. Oh and as for the tangent line. Sheldon and the hell hound. OR How I lost my hot dogs.

Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj: The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!
Howard: I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Leonard: Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Sheldon: Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, 5 is partway between 3 and��never mind.
Raj: I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.
Raj: ��Okay. I think I got it.
Sheldon & Raj: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]

Dimitri: [in Russian] Mission Control, say again, how fast is it leaking?
Howard: Leaking? What's leaking?
Dimitri: Fuel. Shh.
Mission Control: [in Russian] Not bad. We feel okay to go.
Dimitri: [in Russian] Okay, thanks Mission Control.
Howard: There's fuel leaking and we're still going to go?
Mike: Don't lose your Froot Loops, Froot Loops.
Dimitri: This happens a lot. Nine times out of ten, no problem.
Howard: What happens on the tenth time?
Dimitri: Problem.

Sheldon: It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer
[Penny puts her hand up]
Sheldon: Yes Penny.
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: 2,600 years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2,600 years...
Sheldon: Alright go then.
[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]
Sheldon: [voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

Amy: I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?
Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Amy: Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.

Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.
Leonard: Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence activated.
[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]
Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
Priya: So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next��[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Priya: [worried] Oh, my God.
Leonard: What's the big deal?
Priya: Trust me, it's a big deal.
Leonard: They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon: 20 seconds.
Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?
Priya: Of course not.
Leonard: Then why can't we just tell your parents?
Priya: Please don't push this.
Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.
Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard: No, he's bluffing.
Sheldon: I never bluff. 10.
Leonard: It's blackmail!
Sheldon: 9.
Priya: We give up.
Sheldon: 8.
Leonard: [unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.
Sheldon: It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.
Sheldon: 3.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: 2.
Leonard: Okay, I'll sign it!
[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon: [to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

Penny: Alrighty! What's new?
Amy: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Penny: Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was--you know--how's your life?
Amy: Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

Raj: Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard: Not yet.
Raj: Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Almost.
Raj: Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj: Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)