Elizabeth Plimpton: Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard: Beg your pardon?
Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard: [after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: We broke up weeks ago.
Raj: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
Leonard: [arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?
Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard: He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
Leonard: I don't understand.
Elizabeth: [peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.
Raj: Good?!
Leonard: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Elizabeth: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard: Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

Gablehauser: Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz

Howard: [about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: [short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.

Howard: [checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."
Sheldon: Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.

Howard: [Waiting for Sheldon to join their Star Wars on Blu-ray night] I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess��
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.

Howard: Hey, how'd it go?
Bernadette: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard: And are you?
Bernadette: No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
Howard: Well, based on the available evidence...
Bernadette: Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard: [as Bernadette walks away] Where are you going?
Bernadette: [like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!
Howard: [to Leonard and Raj after she leaves] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

Howard: Hey, Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh God, you're kidding!
Raj: [laughing] No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
Leonard: [laughing at the memory] Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.

Howard: Hey, what's up?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?
Howard: No mom, it's Raj!
Mrs. Wolowitz: He's a doctor too, right?
Howard: Yes.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Like Leonard and that skinny weirdo?
Howard: Sheldon: Yes, everyone is a doctor but me.
Mrs. Wolowitz: And whose fault is that?
Season 5

Howard: I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard: Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

Howard: It's natural for Sheldon to be cranky when he has... [Howard reaches behind Sheldon and produces a quarter] a quarter in your ear!
Sheldon: Coins lodged in body-parts is not amusing. When I was young, Billy Sparks forced a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
[Sheldon leaves the kitchen]
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard: Next time you should open with that.

Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"
Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.

Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Raj: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.

Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.
Bernadette: [making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: [looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to��?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
Sheldon: [in a childish manner] ��But I don't wanna go to bed.
Bernadette: [firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One��
Sheldon: [exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
Leonard: [shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.

Howard: Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail��never fail.'