Gablehauser: Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz

Howard: [about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: [short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.

Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess��
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.

Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"
Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.

Howard: Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail��never fail.'

Howard: You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!

Leonard: [attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?

Leonard: [to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.

Leonard: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry: What's wrong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?

Leonard: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.

Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr��oh, that's terrible!

Leonard: Some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.
[later]

Penny: [going through a box to find Sheldon's USB] Okay, I've got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
Sheldon: [edgy] That's the wrong box. Put it back.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Sheldon: Don't read those letters!
Penny: Oh look! She calls you Moon Pie! That is so cute!
Sheldon: PUT DOWN THE LETTERS!

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Sheldon: Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask -- what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls��? Guys��? Sock puppets��?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.