Penny: Oh, Leonard. If we moved in together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting classes were a waste of money.

Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.

Penny: You know, I gotta ask; why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 Supersymmetric Theories, leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of Multi-loop N = 8 Supergravity using modern Twistor Theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were 17?

Raj: Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard: Not yet.
Raj: Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Almost.
Raj: Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj: Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)

Raj: Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard: [deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
Leonard: [playing along] Aaah�� No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon: [desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Raj: Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard: [smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon: [very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: [continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!

Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.
Howard: Some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
Howard: That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ��T' in often?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.
Howard: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon reappears with his bag packed]
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.

Raj: We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View--registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

Sheldon: [about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard: Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
Beverly: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Awwww��

Sheldon: [after Leonard refuses to check a message from Stuart, assuming it's about Penny] You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.

Sheldon: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard!
Leonard: What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You��are not in this relationship. I��am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!

Sheldon: [trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!

Sheldon: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right, then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard: When did pick up on that?
Sheldon: A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.

Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.

Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.