Howard: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no-go to space.
Leonard: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Leonard: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia"?

Howard: Who'd want to become "RatMan"?
Raj: Who wouldn't?!?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were RatMan, you could be my sidekick; "MouseBoy".
Howard: MouseBoy?
Raj: You don't like MouseBoy? How about "Kid Vermin"?
Howard: First of all, if we were going to have superpowers I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.
Raj: RatMan is nobody's sidekick!
Howard: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
Raj: Yeah Leonard, who?
[long pause]
Leonard: Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.

Howard: With the internet, you have the greatest advancement in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth!

Howard: You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!

Leonard [while Howard is teaching Sheldon Mandarin] Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.
[Penny comes in with an iPod in her hand.]
Penny: I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Penny: [opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!
Leonard: [as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?
Penny: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]
Sheldon: [after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?
Howard: [going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.

Leonard: [About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Raj: Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
Leonard: No, that's not was I was going to say.
Raj: It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
Leonard: That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Sheldon: Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Leonard: Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
Raj: The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
Howard: That's the one.
Leonard: Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
Sheldon: In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?

Leonard: [about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
Penny: No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...
Sheldon: Again--time machine.
Penny: Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be less than worthless in a swamp.
Penny: Pathetic! ALL of you, COMPLETELY pathetic!

Leonard: [attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?

Leonard: [in Penny's apartment in the middle of the night] Do you realize if Penny wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers!
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Leonard: [sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did. How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: [confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time��Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]
Leonard: OW! Why'd you do that!?
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you.
Leonard: What!?
Sheldon: Not for you!

Leonard: [seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal��
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

Leonard: [To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

Leonard: [to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.

Leonard: [watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

Leonard: [Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.
Sheldon: Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right. Judas had the courtesy to hang himself after what he did. OK, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.