Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: "Who's Adam West"!? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Howard: My guess is "Hey, four minutes! New record!"

Raj: [After Sheldon offers him a job] Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple, and then die a slow agonizing death from viral infection, than work with you.
Sheldon: For me.

Raj: [teaching Sheldon how to calm himself with meditation] OK, Sheldon, imagine the place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sheldon: Sim City. In particular, the Sim city I designed--Sheldonopolis.
Raj: OK, you're in Sheldonopolis,
Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons?
Raj: Whatever you like.
Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Raj: Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.
Raj: Then put on a sweater.
Sheldon: I suppose I could run downtown and pick something up at Shel-Mart.
Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Sheldon: Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
Raj: All right. You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. [He does so] Oh no!
Raj: What now?
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me! If the children can't run leave them behind! Oh, the simulated horror! [Raj leaves and slams the door. Sheldon opens his eyes] Raj? [To himself] Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

Raj: [When losing an argument with Sheldon] Well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt!
Sheldon: English is your native language!

Raj: Okay, let's check out the females.
Sheldon: Alright, there's a female.
Raj: That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!
Sheldon: But she's female, isn't that the game?
Raj: No, I'm looking for a hookup.
Sheldon: Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.
Raj Not so loud, but ideally yes.
Sheldon: And what is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Alright, and what is your game?
Raj: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
Abby: Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
Sheldon: It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Abby: [laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
Sheldon: I'm Sheldon.
Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Abby: Hey Raj, where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh, India.
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
Abby: Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
Sheldon: Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?

Sheldon: [about his appearance on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.

Sheldon: [after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

Sheldon: [reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.

Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh- Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
Sheldon: [Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourettes.

Sheldon: Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Sheldon: Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]
Penny: The Wesley Crushers?
Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.
Penny: I don't get it.
Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
Penny: Still don't get it.
Sheldon: It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
Penny: OK, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
Sheldon: No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.
Howard: If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!
Wil Wheaton: [enters with his bowling team] Hey look! They named their team after me!

Sheldon: Explain the couch.
Leonard: Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
Sheldon: But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
Leonard: They're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.
Sheldon: Did it occur to you that was by design?

Sheldon: I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat--a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard: (singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

Sheldon: I must say, I am shocked by this betrayal.
Leonard: I didn't betray Penny.
Sheldon: Not Penny, me!
Leonard: How am I betraying you?
Sheldon: Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!
[Storms off to his room]
Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.

Sheldon: It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer
[Penny puts her hand up]
Sheldon: Yes Penny.
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: 2,600 years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2,600 years...
Sheldon: Alright go then.
[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]
Sheldon: [voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.