Sheldon: Waterfalls!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.
Howard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.
Raj: It's not working, dude.
Sheldon: Oh it's working alright. I have to pee.
Raj: Then let go of the ring and go.
Howard: Well actually I wouldn't mind going either.
Raj: Well on the count of three. 1, 2...
Sheldon: Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?
Howard: We stand up.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.
Raj: 3.
Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.

Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: [to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.
[Sheldon leaves to pack]
Mrs. Cooper: [smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

Sheldon: What could I have possibly done to insult Mrs. Vartabedian?

Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?

Sheldon: What's going on?
Leonard: Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard: [long pause] No.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]
[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]
Sheldon: And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa.

Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there; you wanna join us?
Sheldon: But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Leonard: Can we make a one time exception for tonight.
Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Leonard: Just come with me to Raj's.
Sheldon: I don't want to go to a party.
Leonard: It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but 5 people eating and chatting is a party.
Leonard: How come it's not a party when we do it over here?
Sheldon: Because we don't throw parties.

Sheldon: Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this
[Sheldon pulls a couch cushion out of a large bag]
Howard: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
[Everyone looks at him in shock]
Howard: [aghast] But... you love that spot!
Sheldon: No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.
[Howard is speechless]
Raj: [crying] Oh my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Sheldon: Would you like some advice?
Leonard: Sure, why not?
Sheldon: Then this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.
Leonard: Gee, thanks a lot!
Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?
Leonard: No, I don't need any insights, I just wanna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed, and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
Leonard: You're right, I really should be asking strangers on the internet!
Sheldon: My original point.

Sheldon: You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
Howard: All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number?
Penny: Okay, new topic, please.

Sheldon: You know I can't keep a secret!
Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?
Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard: Because the Batman has the secret.
Sheldon: Alfred has secrets, too!
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!

Sheldon: You know�� I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada�� designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems�� and replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me��or is that Sheldon's way of saying �Vegas Baby��?

Sheldon: You've already signed something for me, Brent Spiner--your name on my list. From this moment on you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lotta your time.

Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.

Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash-talk for the occasion. Ahem...You bowl like your momma! [short pause] Unless she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh...Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.