McGee: The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.
Gibbs: Did you get a time?
McGee: A little over three hours ago.
Ducky: Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.
Ziva: Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?
Tony: Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Palmer: Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.
Ducky: We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.
Palmer: The Led Zeppelin bassist?
Ducky: No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.
Palmer: Home.
Ducky: Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.

Palmer: You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.
Tony: Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.
Palmer: God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.
McGee: Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.
Palmer: Hepatitis?
Tony: And get a good pair of knee pads.
McGee: And a good helmet.
Palmer: [laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.
Tony: Are we? Two words.
McGee: Abby Sciuto.

Penelope Langston: Agent Gibbs, I always knew my grandson would introduce us, but I could never have imagined it would be like this. You failed to tell me that he is so handsome, Timothy. Great eyes.

Rachel: Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?
Tony: [angrily] What?
Rachel: Well, the women you date are messed up.
Tony: I date all kinds of women!
Rachel: You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.
Tony: I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!
Rachel: Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.
Tony: Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!

Shannon: Just think of all the cases, all of the lives you've touched, Gibbs. You sacrificed everything to help those people.
Gibbs: But I wanted both.
Shannon: It doesn't work like that.

Tony: Andiamo, bambina!
Ziva: Dove?
Tony: Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.
Ziva: [giggles] Naples, Italy?
Tony: Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.
Ziva: Is this one of your practical jokes?
Tony: Nope, Gibbs orders.

Tony: [after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.
Ziva: No, I'm not going without you!
Season 10

Tony: [going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.
Ziva: [whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]
Tony: Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.
Ziva: Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.
McGee: [looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.
Ziva: We are merely curious and concerned.
Tony: Well, it's nothing you need to know about.

Tony: [looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.
Ducky: What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.
Tony: I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --
Ducky: Would you like to talk about it?
Tony: You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?
Ducky: I'm confused.
Tony: So am I.
Ducky: Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.
Tony: [scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.
Ducky: No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.

Tony: [notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?
McGee: Memorizing her speech.
Tony: Speech?
McGee: Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.
Tony: In what language, Vulcan?
Ziva: I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.
McGee: I think you mean back off.
Tony: Why are you so uptight, Ziva?
Ziva: Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.
Tony: Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.
Ziva: I'm trained for that.

Tony: [speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.
McGee: A little young, Tony.
Tony: Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.
Ziva: Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.
Tony: See? Ziva knows.
Ziva: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.
Tony: That is completely unfair!
Gibbs: Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Tony: [standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.
Ziva: Unusual is the operative word.
McGee: [walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?
Tony: Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.
Ziva: And something is definitely up.
McGee: What are you two talking about?
Tony: The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.
McGee: My monitors? That's what you're worried about?
Tony: We're not big on change around here.
McGee: Well I thought I would try something a little different today.
Tony: What makes today so special?
Ziva: We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.
Tony: Consternation.
Ziva: No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony: According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.
Ziva: Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.
Tony: Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes.
Ziva: Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!
Tony: Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.
Ziva: Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.
Tony: Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?
Ziva: Just stay out of it!
Tony: Tell me what happened.
Ziva: He does not appreciate me. There.
Tony: If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.
Ziva: While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed, Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call, nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then he just said he got caught up with work.
Tony: Well.
Ziva: Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be. There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for a...
Ziva: There's someone there.
Tony: Yeah.

Tony: Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.
McGee: Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.
Tony: That's it?
McGee: Yes.
Tony: Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.
McGee: Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.
Tony: Let's not get carried away.
McGee: Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.
Tony: You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?
McGee: Sort of, yeah. What do I do?
Tony: It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.