Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.
Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
Ziva: It has not stopped you before.
Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Ziva: Everyone?
Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Ziva: Brenda.
Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
Ziva: And you feel responsible.
Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?
Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you, need to be who you are.
Tony: Who am I?
Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.

Tony: [Talking about Ziva] She's not doing a very good job. The body language is all wrong. Classic Ziva would've been more reckless, hair would've been more wild. She was very sexual then.
McGee: You think Ziva's less sexual now?
Tony: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.
McGee: You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.
Tony: [Doesn't say anything, stares at Ziva]
McGee: You were putting on a show, right?
Tony: [Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]

Tony: Cool it, Nick.
(Tony drags him towards the elevator as Ziva laughs)

Tony: Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash for a ticket to Glasgow.
Royal Marine/MI6 agent Major Malloy: It wasn't me.
Ziva: Gibbs, where did you find him?
Gibbs: I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Tony: I hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.
McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.
Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?
Tony: What else did it say?
McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?
Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.
Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.
McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?
Tony: Same thing.
McGee: Thanks for the confidence, Tony.

Tony: I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in the squad room I was expecting one and I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?
Gibbs: Rule number twelve.
Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean, there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.
Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett is a bad idea.
Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.
Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.
Tony: No, it won't.
Gibbs: It already has.
Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.
Gibbs: I depend on you.

Tony: It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!
Ziva: Why would anyone leave a needle in a stack of hay anyway?
Tony: Oh, Lord.

Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?
EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.
Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.
EJ: You're scared of him.
Tony: [nods] Yep!
EJ: I'm not.
Tony: You should be.

Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.
Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.
Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.
Ziva: It is over the edge!!
Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?
Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?
Ziva: The same.
Tony: Easy.

Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.
Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.
Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Your loss.
Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?
Tony: No.
Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?
Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.
Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.
Tony: Elephant.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.

Tony: So something interested here here, huh?
Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.
Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!
Tony: Total genius.
Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"
Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.

Tony: That horse likes you!
McGee: This isn't funny, Tony.
Tony: Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!
McGee: I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?
Tony: And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.
McGee: I've actually been working, unlike some people!
Gibbs: Certain people here are working.
McGee: Of course, boss.

Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Nick: 'Sup dude.
McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?
Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Ziva: Oh.
McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony: Yeah dude.
McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
McGee: Not every night.
Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)

Tony: Trust me, this woman could get Gibbs into a leotard if she wanted to.
Gibbs: Not likely, in this lifetime, Dinozzo.
Tony: No, boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.

Tony: What do you mean the security camera's not working?
McGee: I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for days.
Tony: Isn't that illegal?!
Gibbs: Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.
Tony: How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?
EJ: Tony.
Tony: Sorry.
EJ: We're all worried about Ziva.
Tony: I know. It's just different for some of us.
(EJ stares at him)