McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)
(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)

McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)

McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.
McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Denied.

McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?
Tony: Since about the 12th century.
(Ziva laughs)

McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.
Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.
Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?

McGee: The Palestinians last location is a thousand miles south of D.C. Now every minor and major airport between has their photos posted. I've got alerts at the train stations, bus stations, local L.E.O.s up and down the coast, as well as all hardware shipments, commercial or military. I have hung a net.
Ziva: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.
McGee: No, what I mean is, when they make a move I'll know about it.

McGee: Well, he sounds serious.
Gibbs: No kidding.

McGee: Ziva, what's going on?
Ziva: Tony has been selected to be on the cover of the new NCIS recruiting brochure.
McGee: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Tony: Hey, check it out. Who's the new face of NCIS? You're looking at it, McEnvy. Get used to it.
McGee: There will be no living with him now.
Ziva: Now??

Nick: (To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?
(Ziva smiles and looks at Tony)

Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.
Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.
Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.
(Tony looks troubled)

Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?
Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.
Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?
Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.
Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.
Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.

Tony: [talking about Gibbs, in flashback] Who'd wanna be a navy cop? I'd rather have the plague.

Tony: Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs smacks Tony on the head, to his surprise] Did you just physically assault me?
Gibbs: I don't have a lot of rules, but rule number five is 'you don't waste good.' You're good.
Tony: You gonna make a habit of that?

Tony: The paparazzi's gonna love this, Ziva, How do I look?

Tony: 5 kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively awlpine.
Ziva: He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.
Tony: Vermont that's so quant they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.
Ziva: He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.
Tony: Aren't you lucky so he's a real renasaunce man.
Ziva: He is an expierence man who knows how to enjoy life there is a difference.
McGee: So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.
Tony: Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh Thor.
Ziva: His name is Ray.
Tony: Ray what a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.
Ziva: Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.