Tony: Women want men to lie to them.
Ziva: Not true.
Tony: [In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Ziva: I can disarm it.
Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.
Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!
Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?
Tony: I don't frickin' know!

Tony: Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.
McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.
Ziva: Abby?!
Tony: Abby Sciuto?

Tony: How long were you guys there?
Ziva: Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?
Tony: We're discussing it.
Ziva: What is there to discuss?
Tony: It's complicated.
Ziva: Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for 'if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word "complicated" and hopefully you will stop asking!'
Tony: That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants...
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]
Ziva: Stop laughing or I will hurt you.

Tony: I sure wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall up there. [Ziva looks confused] Never mind.

Tony: Morse code is a dying art.
Ziva: It was for him.

Tony: Okay, I got used to being in charge!
Ziva: You better get unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to shoot you.

Tony: Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!
McGee: Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.
Tony: I hate Halloween

Tony: We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
McGee: He had me at "howdy."

Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...
[Abby raises her hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!
[everyone mutters no]
Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like, every time?
Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.
Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in suprise.]
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]
Tony: ...No. Just wondering, that's all.
[Palmer raises his hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...
Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead?
Woman: [sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!
Palmer: Well, I work in autopsy...

Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!
Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?
McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...
Ziva: Deceptive.
Tony: Sneaky.
McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.
Tony: True.
Ziva: True.

Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

Ziva: I have been working for thirty straight hours!
McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!
Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
Ziva: Thanks.

Ziva: Oh, okay. I understand.
Tony: Understand what?
Ziva: You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.
Tony: I do not!
Ziva: You have been whining like a little snitch all week!
Tony: The term is 'bitch'.
Ziva: I know. I was being polite.

Ziva: That's Ares?
Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!
Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.
Tony: My sphincter doesn't.
Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: Tony, it's the size of an ATM!