Tony: Next thing you know, you'll be wearing clogs in bubble baths.
McGee: What is wrong with bubble baths?

Tony: She asked you out? You?!
McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
Tony: Trust me, you're not.

Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.

Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!
Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.
Tony: That term is "easy."
Ziva: What's the difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.

Tony: Someone's setting me up.
Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?
Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.
Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?
Tony: You see my dilemma.
McGee: [reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?
Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.
Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.
Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?
Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.
Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.
Gibbs: I know. I know.
Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --
Gibbs: McGee next.
McGee: It wasn't --
Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
Tony: Well I --
Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.

Tony: That's a first.
McGee: He called me "Tim."
Tony: Patted my back.
McGee: It was kind of nice.
Tony: Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!

Tony: This isn't about orientation. It's about image.
Ziva: So your image is homo-pubic?
Tony: Homo-phobic.

Tony: Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.
Paula: Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're gonna get.
Gibbs: Agent Cassidy. Go see how many victims Abby id'd from the scrapbook
[Paula leaves]
Tony: I'll go help her. [gets up]
Gibbs: Wait.
[Paula enters the elavator, the door closes and Gibbs headslaps Tony]
Tony: What was that for?!
Gibbs: Letting her get to you!
Tony: Boss, I was not letting her get to- It won't happen again.

Tony: Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.
Tony: Don't.
Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?
Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony: You haven't met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He's good?
Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Tony: She's Israeli.
Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Tony: You just set off Gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.

Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: [checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

Tony: (looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?
(Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)
Gibbs: What did I tell you about that. DiNozzo?
Tony: The skin might not grow back.

Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.
McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
Tony: Star Wars stuff.
McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
McGee: Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?
Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.
McGee: A Star Wars junkie, huh?
Ziva: Not especially.
Tony: She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.