McGee: Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
Tony: The first time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Really.
[McGee lets out a little laugh.]
Tony: If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

McGee: What is with this music?
Abby: I am playing it out of respect for Kate.
McGee: Well, I thought you were from New Orleans.
Abby: So?
McGee: Well don't they play Jazz at funerals?
Abby: Coming from the cemetery, after the body has been buried. On the way to the cemetary we play a dirge. Do you know what a dirge is, Timmy?
McGee: Creepy music?
Abby: Can you go back to the squad room and let me do my job?
McGee: I can't.
Abby: Why?
McGee: Gibbs...Gibbs told me to watch over you.
Abby: Ohhh�� (It looks like Abby is mad) That is so sweet!

Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She wants everyone to believe she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?
Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.
Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!
Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.

Michael: We just got off on the wrong foot.
Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--
Michael: Abby!

Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.

Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.
Ducky: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.

Sacks: Do you realise the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?
Tony: Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realise that you have an enormous clump of something green between your teeth?
[After the interrogation]
Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

Security Officer: [speaking into his radio] Central? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.
Tony: [glances at the radio] No little red light on the radio means the radio not working.

Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
Tony: Family tradition?
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?
Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.
Tony: Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.
Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!
Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.
McGee: Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.
Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.
McGee: That's not TV.
Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
Ziva: [shocked]
McGee: It's an elf lord.
Tony: [laughing] Whatever.
Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!
McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.
Gibbs: ...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Tony: [doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.
Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.

Tony: [on the phone to sperm bank] DiNozzo, big D, little I, big N, little ozzo.

Tony: [Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?
Ziva: Oh... Yes.

Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.
McGee: Really?
Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Ziva: I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.