McGee: I built an application for my phone.
Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?
McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.
Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.
McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?
Tony: I don't believe you.
McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.
Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.
McGee: Uh, no --
Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.

McGee: I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.
Ziva: You'd adapt.
McGee: What if I didn't?
Ziva: You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.
McGee: Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.

McGee: I think we should have waited for Gibbs.
Tony: No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long. Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.
McGee: Why?
Tony: The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.
McGee: Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was until I told you!
Tony: Neither did Ziva!

McGee: Is that pastrami?
Tony: [nods] Mm-hmm.
McGee: Can I have a bite?
Tony: Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.
McGee: I don't like pickles.
Tony: I know.
McGee: I hope you choke on that sandwich.

McGee: It's freezing this morning.
Tony: Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins. Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.
McGee: Well I've got hand warmers.
Tony: Give me one.
McGee: No.
Ziva: I'm not cold at all.
Tony: You're coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and deadly.
Ziva: And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.
Tony: I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.
Ziva: It wouldn't fit. You're too big.
Tony: [desperately] It'll stretch. Turn 'em over.

McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)
(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)

McGee: Lee Wuan Kai: North Korean assassin, one time fanatical nationalist, credited with 27 targeted hits in seven countries, dozens more by association --
Tony: She likes quiet walks on the beach, laughing with friends and playing Frisbee with her Cocker spaniel Ruphus.
Ziva: [snatches the paper away] It does not say that.
Tony: Well it might as well. Look at those come hither eyes, those perfect kiss me now lips. No wonder Vance is obsessed. Kai's killing me and I'm just looking at her. You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.
Ziva: I do not follow.
Tony: Really? A couple of pretty ladies, both trained assassins.
Ziva: You annoy me sometimes.
Tony: Sometimes?
Ziva: Most of the time!
Tony: Well somethiing must of happened between Kai and Vance. Seriously director shows up at a crime scene that's not kosher.

McGee: Look at this. [watching video of teenagers T-Ping a tree] Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.
Ziva: I do not understand the humor or the art.
McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

McGee: Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass and tried to wipe up the blood.
Tony: Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)

McGee: Now I understand why Tony took the couch in Paris.
Abby: Ziva said that she did.
[they look at each other understandingly]

McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.
McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Denied.

McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?
Tony: Since about the 12th century.
(Ziva laughs)

McGee: So Tony is in charge again.
Ziva: Yes.
McGee: How do you feel about it?
Ziva: Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not agree?
McGee: Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like -- he's behind me, isn't he?
Tony: Smirking.

McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.
Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.
Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?